Trick Or Treat
by vicodin-vixens
Summary: It's Halloween at PPTH. Warning: Contains Slash. Not interested? Don't read. We own nothing but our own vivid imaginations.


House hated Halloween.

It ranked up there with Valentine's Day and Easter as his three least favourite holidays.

Snot-nosed little half-pints hopped up on sugar, running around the neighbourhood pleading for more, egging windows and toilet papering trees when the candy supply ran low.

There were only two things to look forward to this Halloween.

Make that three.

Individually wrapped Reese Peanut Butter Cups, three-pound bags of suckers, and the fact that Wilson was going to have to wear a skirt.

Yes, House could see himself enjoying this Halloween.

Perhaps even more so if House could convince Wilson to forgo the underwear this evening. Leave the back door open.

It would sure make the stupid hospital party something to look forward to for once.

House slipped the white t-shirt over his head, carefully folded the sleeves over twice, then grimaced as he tucked the hem into black jeans.

He smiled as he heard Wilson's key in the lock and spared another approving glance at the outfit laid out on the bed.

He limped out to the living room where Wilson was eagerly shedding his jacket and his predictably ugly tie.

"Did you pick up the costumes?" Wilson asked, before turning around, "You did!" He broke out into a wide smile, "This is going to be so great!"

"Yeah. About that-" House began, but Wilson cut him off.

"You look great, but we're going to have to do something about your hair,"

Wilson was rambling as he headed for the bedroom, then stopped abruptly and House had to bite the inside of his cheek to stop himself from laughing.

"What's that?" Wilson asked, pointing at the full skirt, white pom-poms and sweater with the big red 'R' across the front.

"That," explained House with a grin, "is your costume."

"No."

Wilson was shaking his head.

It was only a matter of minutes before he started with the hand gestures.

House wondered if they had time for a quickie before the party.

An exasperated Wilson always turned House on.

After several "no's" Wilson moved on to more comprehensive speech.

"This is not what I asked for, House."

House had to tear his mind away from the elaborate sexual fantasy he'd just been entertaining to respond.

"Well, it's what you've got. Deal with it."

Wilson was silent, no doubt counting to ten, trying to rein in his temper.

"We were supposed to be the T-Birds. Danny and Kenickie." he said, his voice quieter now. Disappointed.

"Well, the costume place obviously realized you'd make a much better Sandy, so suck it up and put on the damned skirt."

Wilson's dimple twitched, but he did as he was told, and quite honestly, House thought Wilson rather enjoyed taking the time to pretty himself up.

He certainly took long enough combing his long, blonde ponytail and making sure the red satin ribbon was in perfect position.

House growled as Wilson flounced about the apartment, humming songs from _Grease, _and House had to put a stop to the insanity when Wilson attempted to play the CD.

Grudgingly, House had to admit that he thought he looked particularly cool as he shrugged into the black leather jacket with _T-Birds_ emblazoned on the back.

Wilson stepped in front of House and flipped up the jacket collar.

"The hair should be higher up here, and curled just a bit..."

House slapped Wilson's hand away.

"Knock it off before I change my mind," he grumbled, then as he turned to head out the door, he added, "Your boobs are lopsided."

House had to pay for that comment by waiting in the car for ten more minutes while Wilson agonized over the symmetry of his womanly parts.

*~*~*~*~

It wasn't until they pulled into the hospital parking lot that Wilson started to freak out.

House wasn't worried.

He'd seen Wilson freak out more times than he could count.

On a scale of 1-10, this freak out managed to rate only a 3, 3.5 at best.

He wondered if Wilson was just freaking out for his benefit.

"I'm a girl!" Wilson screeched, his voice raising an octave, "I can't go in there like this! What will people think?"

House smirked.

"They'll think you've finally decided to stop pretending."

"Stop pretending what?"

House's grin broadened. Wilson actually looked confused.

"That you're the woman."

"I'm the- wait, what? Why am I the woman?"

House rolled his eyes.

"So many reasons, the least of all being that you let me put my dick inside of you."

"But-"

House leaned over and kissed Wilson's open mouth.

No better way to shut him up.

He pulled back and gave Wilson's breast an affectionate squeeze.

"Sandy, my darling," he drawled, "C'mon. Let's go before Taub eats all the spring rolls."

Wilson pulled down the visor and eyed his reflection critically.

"Are you sure about this?"

"You're the one that I want." House replied with a sigh.

Wilson chewed his lower lip for a moment, looking thoughtful.

"Just let me touch up my lipstick."

House grinned and got out of the car.

*~*~*~*~

Cuddy, dressed scantily as a Playboy Bunny, greeted them at the door.

"Where have you been?" she hissed in House's ear, taking him by the elbow.

"Do I have a patient I forgot about? It's been known to happen." House said, grabbing a champagne flute from a passing waiter, who was wearing a toga and gladiator sandals.

"You were supposed to be here forty minutes ago. Piano. Now." Cuddy ordered.

"Oh, that," House replied, draining his champagne in one gulp and passing the empty glass to Wilson.

As House headed for the stage, he turned back to Cuddy.

"Your boobs are even more lopsided than Wilson's."

House played piano for half an hour (in a deal he had cut with Cuddy to get him out of clinic duty), then limped back to Wilson, who was seated at a table with Taub and Kutner.

House pulled out a chair, took a meatball off Wilson's plate and stuffed it in his mouth.

"Not as good as your balls." he whispered loudly to Wilson.

"Danny and Sandy! That's awesome! You guys look great together!" gushed Kutner, with his typical child-like enthusiasm.

House looked over at him, and took in the long black robes, lightning-shaped scar on his forehead and the round black glasses he was wearing.

"And you are-?" House asked blankly, and received an elbow in the ribs from Wilson.

"Harry Potter, of course!" smiled Kutner.

"Right. Of course." said House dryly, then broke into a wide smile as he took notice of Taub's costume.

"Those are the best looking tits I've seen all night!"

Taub looked down, then back up at House again.

"Ha. Ha." he said somewhat mournfully, "Look. My wife made the cow costume and wore it to work and it was the only thing I could find. Just spare me the jokes, okay? It's bad enough with everyone trying to milk me..."

House caught Wilson's eye and winked.

"Oh, please, can I just tell one udder joke?"

Taub looked disgruntled, and left Kutner, Wilson and House laughing at his expense.

Kutner re-focused his attention back to House and Wilson.

"You guys should definitely win for Best Couples Costume."

Wilson looked affronted as he tossed back his ponytail.

"Of course we will! Who else is cuter than Danny and Sandy?"

"Well, well, well," drawled a familiar voice over Wilson's shoulder, "Here I thought I looked the most ridiculous."

"You look adorable, Chase." Cameron pouted.

House turned around to face Raggedy Ann and Andy.

"Oh. My. God," he said, the corner of his mouth twitching in an ill-concealed smile.

"Aren't you two a couple of dolls?!" House added in a sweetly falsetto voice.

"At least I didn't have to wear a skirt," Chase said pointedly, looking down at Wilson, "Nice legs, by the way."

Wilson blushed and excused himself to fetch more drinks.

House watched appreciatively as Wilson's full skirt swished around his bare legs.

"He's not wearing any underwear, you know." he stage-whispered.

"More information that I needed to know, thanks." said Cameron, her painted lips turning down.

"I like the socks, though," House grinned, gesturing to Cameron and Chase's matching striped tights, "Just happened to have those lying around, right?"

"Has anyone seen Foreman?" questioned Chase, looking around the room, "He wouldn't tell me what he was dressing up as and now I'm curious."

"I think he was trying to convince Thirteen into going as an Oreo with him. He's probably trying to find another brother."

Kutner tipped his head, "Nope, here he comes now."

Foreman looked like...well, like Foreman.

He was smiling and holding out his arms as he approached the table.

"Definitely the scariest thing I've seen all night," said House, "And I'm including Cuddy, the geriatric bunny"

"You like it?" grinned Foreman.

Chase's brows furrowed, "You're not dressed up at all."

"Ah," said Foreman with a wink, "But I am. Check it out."

He gestured towards the name tag pinned on to his lab coat pocket.

Dr. Robert Chase.

"Funny." growled Chase disapprovingly.

"Great, isn't it?"

"I've got chills. They're multiplying," House dead-panned, then shook his head, "Halloween sucks."

"Halloween's great!" laughed Thirteen, joining the group and wrapping her arms around Foreman's middle, "I love dressing up!"

"I prefer the undressing myself." House replied, with a wink at Wilson, who had returned with two more champagne flutes.

"Sandy!" shrieked Thirteen, obviously having had her share of alcohol already, "You look fantastic!"

Wilson smiled back, "You look pretty good yourself."

Thirteen beamed, bringing a hand to her spiky black hair.

"D'you know who I am?"

House raked his eyes over her leather top and tight pants, then raised his glass.

"Put another dime in the jukebox, baby."

"Joan Jett?" Wilson inquired.

"And there's her Blackheart." said House, nodding at Foreman.

House swallowed his drink, then pushed back from the table.

"If you'll all excuse us, Sandy and I have to get back to class."

"We're leaving?" questioned Wilson, a pout pulling at his pretty pink lips.

"I think it's time to get your leather pants on," House replied suggestively.

"I'm hopelessly devoted to you." Wilson said dreamily.

"Oh god," House rolled his eyes, "Get me out of here."

For once, there was no complaining from Wilson, and to House's great surprise, once they were back inside the apartment, Wilson was all over him.

"You look so hot." Wilson panted in House's ear, his hands sliding inside the leather jacket.

House's hand found it's way up Wilson's skirt.

"Trick or _treat._" House smiled as his fingers encountered nothing but bare skin.

Maybe House could learn to like Halloween after all.


End file.
